My Flawed Perspective/ My Aftermath

The total absence on guilt baffles me.
I royally screwed up the System Security paper. I was goofing off all day and night on 21st. The realization was there...i HAD to study...or at least read the subject matter more than once -- after all I'm not fucking stupid...or at least no THAT fucking stupid -- but i didn't. I cost me more than 3 answers in todays paper.
Up here though...in my head, it means nothing at all. The results are gonna depress the hell outta me i'm sure, but the immediate effects are non-existent. No Guilt on No remorse.

I put things into perspective...and found that i'm not ever gonna be able to score a distinction aggregate for the last year, owing of course to the nightmare that was 7th semester exams. Plus i'm already above first class for the entire engineering course...unless i screw up REALLY bad in the 8th sem(fuck i cant believe i just thought of something so messed up!). I DID have a consolation percentage in mind in the beginning of the 8th semester for the aggregate...but seeing how todays paper went...the chances have slimmed down a little now.

Then theres this instinct, i think the most primal one...to kick ass and be a man. No sexism implied, but everyone has this instinct male or female. And i'll be damned if i dont follow it.
FUCK IT! fuck percentages and fuck the term work and vivas! fuck engineering altogether!
Theres 3 papers more to go...and then i'll be free from this nightmare. So thats what i'm gonna do, face the papers ahead like a man with all the conviction and confidence( and proper time management of course) and try to knock them outta the park, to give my best and consequences be damned!
I think i'll go to sleep now...tomorrow we start MultiMedia Systems.

My Funeral Holiday

The guilt and self loathing is getting to me. Since preparatory leave is on and i've barely covered any of the portion in any of the four subjects, i've decided that studying should occupy most of my time. This would mean that ill have to say away from my vices...namely orkut and movies.
This addiction should have been remedied long time ago...but since it has not been, i've planned to take some action(this will not be the first time i'm saying/writing this).
Step 1: REALIZATION
A few days back i got an HDD full of movies and tv series(House MD) from a friend of mine. that night, as any other night, i left my comp on for no particular reason, only to find that the voltage stabilizer had burnt out overnight. Ofcourse i didnt know this at first and simply assumed that the SMPS had finally given up due to its constant operation. So that whole day i couldnt start my comp, let alone listen to any songs or go online. The same day...in the evening i realised the possibility that the computer may not be damaged at all. I checked the stabilizer and replaced it with a flex box...and in no time i was on the comp and online as well.
Step 2: RESOLVE
That day taught me something...that i couldn't quit this addiction cold turkey...just by force of will or even by force of circumstance. I needed to wean myself off this terrible affliction.
MODERATION was the solution. Only on the comp for a very small amount of time and online for even a lesser duration.
Then of course there was the question of the Movies. So many films! and none that i could dedicate my time to without feeling like a complete loser afterwards. For this i thought i would only see them in parts...you know for 10-20 minutes or so...and then get back to studies.
This was a decision i made three days ago...and so far I've been able to see only 25 minutes of Four Weddings and a Funeral and 15 minutes of The Holiday.
Bloody Hell! I should have known...if movies were supposed to be seen in moderation, in durations of 10-15 minutes at random times..people wouldn't spend millions of dollars making the said films and others wouldn't bother watching them anyway!
So i'm stuck now...cant study because its starting to mess with my head...the paragraphs are all converging and it all seems like i'm trying to cram the whole fucking book in my tiny little brain. Also i cant sit on the comp for more than half an hour without feeling guilty as hell.
IT SUCKS TO BE ME...and then some.

9th June has officially been declared as Independence day by ME...the king of all thats boring and awful. 25 days to go.

My Oral Fixation

Yet another milestone reached....the time line of my life will hope fully be scattered with many more such joyous and satisfying events. Final Viva, of the final subject of Engineering on perhaps technically the final day of college. FINAL being the operative word...

No more writing journals, assignments,indexes just to see them get tossed away heartlessly at Aakarshan.
No more begging,borrowing, stealing or as the last resort buying, college stationary from that hag that sits at the counter.
No more running around for printouts/photocopies of "experiments".
No more of having to write "studied and implemented" as a generic CONCLUSION for every damn experiment.
No more worrying about what the grade on the file would translate to as term work marks
and Finally No more dealing with the mind-numbing, spirit crushing dilemma of sitting in front of external or internal...
Our thing I'll absolutely MISS though...is hanging out with friends before/after/during vivas. The discussions and the bad jokes and the heart-to-heart conversations....God i''m gonna miss those.

I'm FREE at least from the vivas....and it feels GREAT.

My Empty Mind, My Devil's Workshop

This is my third attempt at posting something today. I have loads of free time now...actually i don't, I'm supposed to be studying for a viva on 7th(DWM) but theres 2 more days left. And I'm sorta confident that I'll manage to read something and vomit it out in front of the external.
Anywhoo third time being lucky according to some proverb i heard, I'm gonna continue typing until i get some decent paragraphs into this post. Actually at first i attempted to write about the toils and turmoils i faced during engineering...but then i remembered I'd already posted something similar a few weeks back..so that draft went down the crapper.
Then i figured i'd go the easy way and post about the movie i saw today...
Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. This film wasnt all that bad but it didnt live up to the hype that S had managed to generate in me. If S would take my advice on films i'd recommend Pan's Labyrinth...totally honest movie with no candy treats for hopeless optimists..especially the end was very good compared to TCoN.
The part in italics was ALL i was able to come up with....so that was a complete waste of a post i thought.
I read a few random blogs today...people out there a either brilliant wordsmiths or complete idiots. I bet that the former category of bloggers that i respect so much would put me in the latter category after reading my ramblings.
Neerazzz isnt publishing anything these days either, infact i rarely find him online these days...sala sudhar gaya kya!! This is really freaking me out coz he was the only guy i would chat endlessly about movies,tv series and life et al.
I'm listening to some really good music right now...mix of The Beatles, Coldplay, Jimmy Eat World...This song Shiver by Coldplay...is it new?? i found it on LAN and i really liked it.
By the way Neerazz has come online right NOW..this is some weird telepathy or something i think or it may be purely coincidental, whatever it is..i'm gonna chat now...LATER Loserzzz ;D